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Strumming One Out

by Stranglewank

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1.
Everything Can Be a Dildo (If You're Brave Enough) 01:02
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My Venus, My Godiva I wanna lay beside ya You know just what I want so Allow me to be blunt To feel your hands around my neck Squeezing me hard when we’re in bed Please squeeze me hard I am erect Now feel the blood rush to your head Everything can be a dildo if you’re brave enough Everything can be a dildo if you’re brave enough Everything can be a dildo if you’re brave enough Everything can be a dildo if you’re brave enough
2.
Safe Word 03:58
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Girl, choke me with your delicate hands Nothing says I love you more Than a safe word And Girl, you know you mean to such to me I could never be without you I’ll always keep you safe You have my word, my safe word Won’t you hold me oh so gently Apply a bit more pressure please Your love has got me falling to my knees When you tie me down and cuff me And when you look into my eyes They’d say our love is wrong but it feels so right Don’t stop you do it so right Don’t stop keep holding me tight My love you are so beautiful When I watch you through the light spots in my eyes (It feels so right) I’ve never known a love like yours So kick me quick - I’m on all fours Your tender touch, the way you dig your heels in A love like ours could never die But if I do tonight then I would have died the only way I could have wished for So hold my neck and hold me down The only thing I’ll beg for You know exactly what I want tonight When you hold me down and cuff me When you look into my eyes They’d say our love is wrong but it feels so right Oh yeah Don’t stop you do it so right Don’t stop keep holding me tight My love you are so beautiful When you pin me down and punch my in my eye (It feels so right) Don’t stop you do it so right Don’t stop keep holding me tight My love you are so beautiful With your hands around my neck I get so high (It feels so right)
3.
Hashtag C#nts 02:05
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I saw you drinking skinny lattes outside Pret A Manger I knew immediately you were a cunt I saw you wearing skinny jeans, oh you looked so gay Why won’t these brainless little twats just fuck off What’s wrong with millennials No style, no taste No balls, just ego I hate them What’s the matter with world today What’s the matter with these kids it’s not right They all listen to the radio Unquestioning that generic shite Generic genes, generic hair, generic look on their face Freedom of speech Fuck it as long as they can get their safe space And what’s with that anyway Fuck your feelings Proponents of cultural Marxism And fuck you’re disregard for anything that requires thought Entire generation can’t think for themselves They just love that millennial woop Wa oh oh oh Taking up all the room inside their echo chamber heads When I see these little fuckers with their selfie sticks I get an overwhelming urge to be sick Can’t tell what sex they are I don’t know what the pronoun is I guess I’ll just have to call them all dicks sorry does that offend you little fucks self-absorbed, self-entitled, selfie snapping schmucks There’s something seriously wrong when a generation loves to be offended so much fuck dialectics, reasoned thought there’s no debate they won’t budge no place for reason when the most indignant wins at their game retweet the hashtag of a girl that’s posts #metoo to find fame Oh how you contradict yourselves fuck claiming subjugation when you self-objectify And fuck you’re disregard for anything that requires thought Entire generation can’t think for themselves They just love that millennial woop Wa oh oh oh Taking up all the room inside their echo chamber heads
4.
Now That You're a Lady 01:04
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I heard you went and got a sex change baby I like you more now that you’re a lady You never used to look too good in a dress But now you do since you got those brand-new breasts I confess you were not at your best When you were wearing lipstick with a hairy chest But now I find that you’ve blown my mind I’ve never ever seen such a sexy behind Wank me off wank me off Wank me off wank me off Wank me off wank me off Wank me off wank me off Wank me off wank me off
5.
Last Seen Gulling 01:50
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He was last seen gulling on a Friday night Slamming on back doors Wanking through car windows They’ll never get the marks off Some say Billy choked himself on a towel Some say it was a mic cord I think it was a dressing gown tie What a way to die He checked himself into the place that he loved best A little travel lodge, it wasn’t for a rest No! Attached himself up to a door He’d done this kind of thing before He fucking had! And he wanted more! It was the last time Billy ever blew his load No no-one ever thought that he’d grow old we never thought that he would die so young Now he’s gone and, in his wake, All he left for us was one INXS tape What a fucking guy At least he died doing the thing he loved the most Asphyxiation yeah, he liked to take it close This time he took it to the edge No safe word no-one else was there Schnear
6.
The Crane Song 01:07
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The crane puts up the crane puts up the crane puts up the crane The crane puts up the crane puts up the crane puts up the crane The crane puts up the crane puts up the crane puts up the crane The crane puts up the crane puts up the crane puts up the crane The crane puts up the crane puts up the crane puts up the crane The crane puts up the crane puts up the crane puts up the crane The crane puts up the crane puts up the crane puts up the crane The crane puts up the crane puts up the crane puts up the crane The crane puts up the crane puts up the crane puts up the crane The crane puts up the crane puts up the crane puts up the crane
7.
Fuck You 00:22
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Sometimes I can’t think of just the right words So the best thing to say is fuck you Fuck you and your face and your mum and your aunt You’re a right little cunt so fuck you Your hair looks so gay, you should be so ashamed I would love to just spit in your face Fuck you you’re a bastard, an obnoxious twat Just fuck off and get off of my case
8.
Hermanns in the Workplace 02:09
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Fuck your morning coffees Caffeine does nothing for me I got something much better than that It’s the finest way to enjoy the day When you gotta spend it dealing with twats Gimmie a hydro hydro and I’ll operate any heavy machinery i just don’t care I feel so good nothing can phase me I’ll fix your printers laptops, send emails and my spellings still better than yours which is so funny and I smile because I’m hugely off my tits There’s a twat in the office a twat in the office a little brown-nosed cunt if I sober up it fucks me off so dihydrocodeine Oh Hermanns in the workplace Hermanns in the workplace Chatting to the customers my face Hermanns in the workplace Hermanns in the workplace Hermanns in the workplace Yeah Hermanns in the workplace Hermanns in the workplace Hermanns in the workplace Off my face Hermanns in the workplace Hermanns in the workplace Couldn’t give a fuck if I’m a fucking disgrace Top drawer like Hermann’s suitcase Sixty milligrams controlled-release You Better call the police!! Oi Oi Oi I get so fucking high just to get by I numb my brain to deal with then idiots if I don’t then I don’t know what the fuck I’d do I’d just sit and cringe and maybe one day just flip my desk I’d punch a prick and that would end in my arrest so, to avoid that I’ll have another Hermann instead because There’s a twat in the office a twat in the office a little brown-nosed cunt if I sober up it fucks me off so dihydrocodeine (schneaaar) Oh Hermanns in the workplace Hermanns in the workplace Chatting to the customers my face Hermanns in the workplace Hermanns in the workplace Hermanns in the workplace Yeah Hermanns in the workplace Hermanns in the workplace Hermanns in the workplace Off my face Hermanns in the workplace Hermanns in the workplace Couldn’t give a fuck if I’m a fucking disgrace
9.
Brown Nose 01:37
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It doesn’t matter if you’ve got any talent It doesn’t matter if got half a brain It doesn’t matter if you happen to be literate As long as you can play the game Yeah, you could work all day You could work real smart But your productivity It won’t get you very far at work If there’s brown-nose making tea Because to make up for his lack of brains To make himself look good He’ll try to make you look so bad That he’ll destroy your livelihood Cause everybody knows that a brown nose knows That you can’t depend on skills You gotta roll up your sleeves up and kiss some ass If you want to pay those bills Brown Nose! How could any sane employer Put up with his shit? Sniffing round my anus That would get right on my tits Brown Nose! But I suppose it’s down to ego I guess it makes them feel nice Just be careful with a brown nose Cause you’ll always pay a price Brown Nose!
10.
Last Night's Kebab 01:15
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When I get drunk I wake up With you on my face With you it never feels like I made a mistake You never shout at me or Put me in my place So when I get drunk I wake With you on my face One chicken shish Some donner meat Some salad and some chili sauce, that’s all I ever need Not too many onions garlic mayonnaise My love inside a pitta bread is always on display Even when I’m shitfaced I can’t resist your meat Waking up in chili sauce that I forgot to eat That’s eight pound twenty, boss Do you want some chips? Nah mate you’re okay Cos this kebab’s the shit.
11.
My Job's Worse than Yours 01:47
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Yeah fuck this shitty job of mine They pay me less than a bin man Or someone who works in a McDonald’s kitchen Are you listening? No fuck you I’m sure that mine is worse I work an extra hour every day it’s not reflected in my pay it’s fucking gay My job’s so shit the hours suck I feel like I’ve run out of luck I struggle every morning to muster up the will just to leave my bed Well you’re fucked up in the head If you think that your jobs worse than mine I struggle every evening not to slit my wrists it’s so shit Literally the only thing that stops me going mental Is hiding in the cubicles so I can be alone I spend all day on the phone talking to idiots with a fraction of my IQ and they all talk down to me All this stress has got to me It’s prematurely aged me I’ve got grey bits in my beard now And I have to sit down to pee Well at least you are not me So stop your fucking whinging we both know that my jobs the worst my job’s the worst Yeah my job is the worst No I think you’ll find that it’s mine No my job is the worst I don’t think so no no My job is the worst No fucking chance I hate mine more My job’s the worst I hate my job
12.
Phillip Schofield's Prostitute 02:48
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Oh, Phillip Schofield’s prostitute she’s a midget and my friend I’ve known her since the 90s when she sucked me She didn’t have to kneel down She was the perfect height She taught me how to have fun When we shared the perfect night And then she chucked me She used to come to all our shows god knows I loved her tattooed toes she sucked my cock just like a pro I thought she loved me Then Phillip showed up flashing cash crashed my party smoked my hash That guy is such a massive ass He really fucked me Phillip Schofield is an utter bastard He stole my favorite prostitute That technicolored dream-coat wearing twat He stole my girl and now I’ll never get her back He took away my love of years Now when I see a gopher I just can’t hold back the tears Oi Oi Oi Yeah, Phillips Schofield’s prostitute once promised me her hand She played a badass tambourine we almost let her in the band I really miss my prostitute Diminutive and sweet I met her in East Germany She swept me off my feet But then upon that fateful night whilst Schofield watched us play It’s fair to say she caught his eye and he whisked her away She dresses up in gopher suits Broom cupboard in his house Where Phillip’s snorting lines of coke With Pat Sharp from Fun House Phillip Scofield is an utter bastard He stole my favorite prostitute That technicolored dream-coat wearing twat He stole my girl I won’t get her back He took away my love of years Now when I see a gopher I just can’t hold back the tears
13.
A Few of My Favourite Things 01:06
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Unzip my fly, I’ll zip up your mask And then I’ll push you on your favourite swing Yeah, bolts and cuffs and leathers straps These are a few of my favourite things Now rock out Clamps clamps clamps clamps Nipple clamps Shibari ropes and knots Wifflle boards, vibrating rings and dressing up like dogs These are a few of my favourite things A few of my favourite things Now rock out With your cock out
14.
Flat out of Luck 02:30
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He worked all of his life played the game and never stepped out of line followed the rules but where did that get him? nowhere at 36 he ran flat out of luck and that’s about the time that he decided not to give a fuck He quit his job, he burned his suits Missed his mortgage payments and got a tattoo A-Woo-Hoo So fucking responsibility he bought a Crass CD and took a pee from his motherfucking balcony real freedom is a park bench and a can of super strong a piercing through his eyebrow and a home made plastic bong fuck working for a living when you don’t have time to live he knew that life couldn’t get much worse than this But it fucking did We never said we want to play this game 9 to 5 you gotta be insane why would you want to make another man rich? wasting your life being a wage slave bitch Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah Now it’s one year later and he’s living with his mum He’s lost his car he lost his house But he’s having so much fun He’s on a first name basis with the bar maids in the pub They think that he’s a loser but he doesn’t give a fuck Cause working 9 to 5 will put you in an early grave He’d rather take his chances and misbehave He worked all of his life played the game and never stepped out of line followed the rules but where did that get him? nowhere at 36 he ran flat out of luck and that’s about the time that he decided not to give a fuck

about

The debut album from the UK punk legends, Stranglewank.

Out now on Charming Yet iLL Records.

credits

released September 23, 2019

Stranglewank (The Wank) is:

Johnny Gash
Rick O'Shea
A drummer

All music and lyrics were written and performed by Stranglewank.
Recorded in 2019 at CYI HQ (Medstead Branch), Hampshire.

Produced by The Wank. Mastered by TH.

If you're offended by literally anything on this record, tough shit. Nothing happens.

The Wank would like to thank you, the listener, and the bloke in the kebab shop on the High Street.

'Strumming One Out' is dedicated to the memory of Billy, who died mid-choke-stroke. RIP mate.

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Stranglewank England, UK

Stranglewank are an anti-everything punk rock band from Hampshire, in the United Kingdom. They have an extensive collection of bad songs and sexual repression.

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